seaQuest: seaWest

Before I begin the scheduled, if delayed, evisceration, I want to say that's the least creative title ever. I know writers have trouble titling episodes, so we usually get puns or something. I've heard of a Canadian show where all the titles are the names of songs from the 80s. Is it wrong that I want to rename this episode Brokeback Bridger? You see Bridger was touring a boat when he caught sight of Lucas across the Moon Pool. He'd never thought of being with a dolphin; he was even married to a human woman for a while, but Lucas would show him the way.

I'm in the gutter tonight, but I'm looking at the stars.

Originally aired: November 28, 1993. One hopes that was after sweeps. If this was meant as a sweeps-spiking attention-grabber...

Universal bump. Again. And again.

New Ausland Confederation. The Great Barrier Reef. Gorgeous underwater photography. Murky CGI of a launch going out. We've seen this before. Ford and Krieg are inside and I missed what Krieg is worried about. A cave in? He wants to know what would happen if you die while living on the CGI mountain with a CGI base that looks like a fountain on it. Ford says he'd die.

They dock and now Bridger is on the boat too. With Crocker. They're talking about finding out what happened. Crocker has people waiting on the seaQuest in case anything happens over here on the mining base where the captain and the second in command are walking in blind. I'm sure they'll be very helpful in a montage where they look on with expressions of concern. The guys are in their UEO khaki because...why? When they've gone over to other place underwater before it's always the normal jumpsuits. Or less, like when Hitchcock bounced her chest in Lucas's face and made Jonathan Brandis's month.

The awet team finish their pow-wow and a very bad Aussie accent comes over the intercom welcoming them and telling them to go to customs or something. They walk in and find people wandering about, including two women in a yellow golf cart. Everyone seems decidedly un-distressed for having made a distress call. Nobody notices that these strangers in uniforms who could be after their pot have arrived. Bridger walks over to the side of a beat up trailer (I'm serious) sitting in the same cave set that was Leslie's Pleasure Prison last episode. A sign says the supervisor will be back in fifteen minutes. He's making his rounds, checking the hydroponics, sampling the product.

The awet team (Shut up, I think that's clever.) saunter to their next marks and the camera pans over to a buck-toothed boy in brown hair. Did I mention everyone is dressed in dusty earth tones among the miners? But no one has a jumpsuit, even though you think lots of falling dirt would militate in favor of garments with fewer places for sand to get in. The buck-toothed kid calls out for his father with some trepidation. He remembers when the revenuers finally chased down the General Lee, cornered the Duke Boys, and shot them fuller of holes than a Crocker McCrocketer Texas McCrocketer Texas Holey Thing.

Dad is miner type in earth tones. He could use a shave. He informs his son that he has seen the gentlemen in their strangely identical dress and swings his hardhat down to block his son's chest. That's a good move. I don't think Crocker's good enough to manage the head shot. Lucas probably could, though. I bet Bridger approves of him playing ultra-realistic first person shooters on a rig that gives him a hit of cocaine every time he scores a direct hit on the center of mass. It's part of his learning discipline and not to use his brain too much or he could get weird and go crazy.

The show going on in my head is so much better than the one on the screen.

Dad hands over the hardhat and his lunch box, which is right out of 1933, and tells the kid to take them home. Mom is to be informed that he shall be home as soon as he can, but she should start flushing now.

Ominous music plays as the awet team rounds a corner and enters the honky tonk. The music cuts out and everyone stares. Shot of the awet team, the least cool people in the room and since these are miner cowboys that's a pretty rough competition. Then the music comes back on. Bridger says he doesn't think they'll bite. No, just the episode.

Bridger decides to ask around. They stroll in formation into the crowd. Bridger gets to the bar and asks after Mr. Cobb, who hasn't been in yet. The bartender refuses to give Bridger more than a drink. Dad, who I think is Cobb, wanders in and sits down.

Krieg's at another table plying women with liquor. They point out that no one around seems all that distressed. The women are the entertainment. They're "singers". Krieg's too sleazy to be missing these lines but the actor isn't swinging it. He's just got this wide-eyed, guileless expression on his face like he has no idea what's going on. He asks how they got booked to a place like this and they say they're not very good singers, but this is a good place to be bad and "polish their act". Krieg misses the irony by a mile and wishes them good luck. They should have given this scene to Lucas. Brandis could have spotted the sleaze and then bugged out without wrecking his character. If Ben is what we've been lead to believe he is he should already have his pants off. The dialog could have read that way too. Who changed the plan?

Ford and Crocker come up to a poker game. They exposition to the bit players about getting a faint distress signal that vanished before they could pinpoint it, but they think it's from here. So there could have been pirates? A disaster? Nuclear core meltdown? Crazy virus? Psychopath on the loose? Besides Locke? And they send over the chief of security, ok. The first officer, ok. The morale officer because he's no loss after splicing single frames of Disney animated features into the crew's stash of porn, and the Captain? But no redshirt security? No doctor? Are they trying to facilitate a decapitation strike on the seaQuest? They didn't even scan the air or anything.

One of the poker players claims that he is the only person in distress. He claims it was a false alarm. They go away.

Dad furrows and then gets up. He goes to the pool table, says he heard what Ford said about his wife, and starts a fight. He manages to get Ford on his back on the pool table and they do some abdominal thrusting. He pulls himself on top of Ford as Berry White starts playing. Dad leans in so close, their lips almost touching, as the actor hurriedly rattles off that Ford please help them.

Ford tries to get up and there's a shotgun in his face. Oh, that's Frank Cobb. The sheriff. He asks if there's something he can do for Ford.

Credits. Beneath the surface lies...nothing at all this episode. No extended credits.

Exterior shot of the mine and seaQuest. Buck-toothed kid is hiding behind something and watching the arrest of the awet team. Or something like that. Cobb is expositioning about how this is a small town, a family, really. They're suspicious of strangers in uniform because of an unfortunate incident with a Mormon serial killer.

Ford sidles up to Dad and tries to find out what's going on with Cobb millimeters away because Ford is retarded. Dad is not. He just sits. I guess his name is Lennie. Cobb says he sent men over to Lennie's place to reassure his wife...until Cobb decides what to do with him since he's already figured out that Lennie sent the SOS. Cobb says Lennie's wife is a lovely woman. He talks about Lennie's kid, who is eight. His name is...Gibbon?

Sherrif goes on about it being a misunderstanding and tells the awet team to go away. Bridger wants to know who phoned home. Cobb says he doesn't know, but if anyone had he would have heard of it. Then he smarts off about how the UEO doesn't give a crap until they hit something good in the mine. Now the UEO cares. Makes a man wonder.

Bridger says he doesn't understand. Cobb thinks this is a pretense for taxation and tells Bridger to shove off. Poker guy has a toothpick in his mouth. Bridger leans in on Cobb, kisses him wetly on the cheek and tells him they still have a distress signal to track down. They walk away about two feet and then the awet team has a palaver. Turns out Krieg read the speech as notice to get out of town by sundown. Bridger informs him that is the correct reading.

Ford shares about his touching moment with Lennie and Bridger agrees, but this isn't the place to discuss it. Later, at home, with some Berry White on.

Launch. Ford says they have to go back, but this is not UEO territory and they can't go back without an invitation. Then a dog starts barking. It's under the deck and has a note. The pink marker on the note pleads with the awet team. They must come back because the kid doesn't want his daddy hurt. Ford reads the note because Bridger is secretly illiterate.

Ward Room. Lucas is looking smart in a blue-green and black jersey and a dark shirt. Seriously, that's a neat combination for him. He's explaining what placer deposits are because Levine is busy polishing his crystals and exorcising O'Neil's underwear drawer. Westphalen can't do it because she's in the life sciences. Or that's what would be the case if this show paid attention to continuity. So Lucas gets exposition duties. The entire cast, minus Westphalen, is in the ward room.

Ford wants to know why they don't just send security over. Bridger wants someone to go over to ask questions. He suggests the pretense of sending an entertainer, by which he means a prostitute. Singers, comedians, they take their genitals on a spin through Broken Ridge on a weekly basis. Bridger thinks Krieg is a good candidate because he doesn't mind the thought of Krieg being killed, or made to squeal like a pig, and because they've already seen Krieg and will thus never recognize him if he comes back with a different name and cover story. Krieg claims he doesn't have an act.

But Krieg called his guy Murray who wanted to buy the squid feces. Murray says the miners are mostly single men who want female entertainers no matter how bad they are. Hitchcock immediately hops forward and says she can be bad. So that's what ended her marriage with Krieg. How bad would she have to be to scare Krieg away? Does she douche with rattlesnakes and use Limburgh cheese as deodorant?

Everyone stares. Apparently it has dawned on them that she's volunteering to entertain the rape gang. She maintains that she can sing, if not very well. Krieg says she sings in the shower. Hitchcock asks if he wants her to shower for the miners of Brokeback Ridge. Don't think so. Best send Lucas. Ben says he just doesn't want her to go in there unprotected. Cobb's a tough man. Hitchcock refuses to ask someone else to do it. Bridger makes sure she's sure.

We see the same CGI of a launch docking at Broken Ridge again. Lennie's kid has grungy clothes from before on, but an immaculate pair of acid wash jeans. He glances around and threads through the crowd, which is full of women dressed for 1936. The men are all glad to see them. Hitchcock is welcomed by Cobb personally. He offers to help Hitchcock with her bag, and later maybe her funbags.

Honky Tonk. Cobb shows off his stash of gold and says that men are going to try to get hitched. Cobb wants her for himself. He's into her eyes. Cobb says it looks like they're hiding something, but he's going to find out what. Cobb's mother had Hitchcock's eyes. She kept them in a small box. Cobb asks to be entertained. Hitchcock wanders off to find her quarters.

Lennie's kid is out in the hallway coloring. Hitchcock comes up to him and chats him up. She floats the story about the dog. The kid turns his gigantic eyes, like a tarsier's eyes, to Hitchcock and tells her that the dog's name is Banjo.

Cut to Banjo in Lucas's room, barking at Darwin. He's telling Bridger it wasn't easy to find, whatever he found. Bridger is leaning in on the screen. Westphalen has her hands on her hips and is demonstrating to the viewer why it is that Hitchcock gets all those scenes despite having no personality at all. It is...the personnel files for the base. Lennie apparently owns the mineral rights. Everyone on the mine works for him. That doesn't make sense, unless there was a mutiny. That's all delivered in the lame round of dialog where each character finishes the last's sentence. So the miners mutinied and are holding Lennie hostage to get him to sign over his rights to the mine. Cobb is the ringleader.

Lennie is explaining this to Hitchcock with his wife at the table too. Lennie's wife says the mutiny happened almost five years ago, when it was a smaller operation. Cobb just brings in his own men since. Lennie tells us that any rebellion would be taken out on his wife and kids. Cobb already killed his father. Lennie explains that they're still alive because the land was given away under the Homestead Act. You couldn't take the land unless you worked it for five years, so every bit of gold on it has to be sold under Lennie's signature. Time is almost up. But that makes no sense because until Lennie actually owns the land it's not really his minerals anyway. Once he owns it, how is the ownership problem resolved? If they said he would be forced to deed it over to Cobb, fine. But the writers didn't do that so nothing makes sense. Hitchcock pulls out her phone and tries to call, but gets zero bars. Lennie knows a good place, though.

Mines. Lennie tells her it's a deserted mine shaft. They're wearing hardhats with lights on them. Hitchcock sends Lennie away and calls Bridger. Lennie walks right into Cobb, who has been looking for him. He heard about Lennie associating with Hitchcock. Lennie says she likes kids. They had coffee. Nothing happened.

Come on, Cobb, what do you think she's doing here? Lennie says that she's looking for a husband, like most women who come here. No, they're looking for a couple of fifties on the dresser. Talking costs extra. Cobb says she's not at all like most women. Then he hits Lennie and knocks him back into a barrel or something. He presses about who Hitchcock is. Lennie isn't answering. Hitchcock is watching. Cobb slams Lennie up against a cabinet. From Lennie's POV we see a shovel slowly come into frame. Cobb says he wouldn't like to have to take this up with Lennie's wife.

The shovel gently touches Cobb's head and he collapses. Seriously. They weren't even trying to make that look like a hit. Hitchcock pulls back the shovel and looks down at Lennie.

Exterior. Darwin is swimming around and a WHSKR looks at some structure marked seven. It's a mine shaft. Krieg thanks Darwin. Ortiz asks Bridger if it's a back door. Why would Ortiz be asking this kind of question of Bridger? The exposition makes sense. Each shaft would have an exit to dump crap out without hauling it back through the main building where everyone lives. But why is Bridger answering Ortiz's questions? Why is Ortiz asking? We didn't need that dialog to justify the exposition. Bridger wants to use that shaft as the escape hatch for the rescuees.

Hitchcock hurries up to the Sutters. That's the rescuees. She says they have to go now, but Lennie isn't hearing it. He just washed his hair, the wife just put the heat on under the crock pot, and the kid is de-worming the dog. Also Cobb isn't going to let them get near the docking bay. So they just left Cobb in the mine? Wouldn't tying him up have made sense? Even if his men would rescue him, you'd be buying yourself time. As soon as he wakes up, he's going to come to de-worm the wife and child.

Hitchcock explains about the back door. Now it makes sense to them. The guest stars are dumb and need to be handheld through every step of the plot.

Docking bay on seaQuest. They're loading up the rescue awet team. Ben tries to get on and Bridger stops him, but Ben complains about being responsible for Katie agreeing to be rape bait for justice. Bridger yields.

Cobb's trailer. He's pretty even-tempered for a guy that got nailed on the noggin. Hitchcock walks up to him and asks about his head. Just a little accident in the mine. Cobb's retarded. Seriously. He had a fight with Lennie, got KOed, and didn't immediately go to take it out on Lennie? Hitchcock starts coming on to him.

Mines. Lennie glances around and leads hiw wife and kid down. People are all over. Not one of Cobb's men thinks this is suspicious?

At the launch Ford advises his men to be invisible. They're in civilian clothes.

Honky Tonk. Cobb thinks Hitchcock is trying to sneak away without singing for him. He's waited long enough. Hitchcock goes over by the band. The guy on guitar jerks his instrument suggestively. Hitchcock rubs her butt, shakes it, and linpsynchs to a recording of a real singer.

Mine. Lennie and family wait.

Other mine. Ford comes across some miners and motions for his men to wait.

Bar. Hitchcock plays Jessica Rabbit.

Mine. Miners are tied up. Ford and his awet team find the Sutters. Ben asks after Katie, who is with Cobb. Ben and Ford head off to rescue her. Except not Ford. He's going to wait in case she shows while the least competent member of his team goes to do the hardest job. Great command decision.

Ben finds Katie in the bar. She's reaches down and gropes a man's crotch before going over and getting on Cobb's lap for a bit. She spots Ben and slinks away across the bar, continuing to flirt and touch the men. She's very obviously making her way over to Ben and pushes against him. Cobb recognizes him and raises the alarm.

Mine. Ben and Katie run through and Ford barricades the mine because, why? But Cobb came the other way anyhow. He has a gun and is now between Cobb and the airlock. Ben closes the door behind them.

Cobb phones and tells Hitchcock how much he liked the song. Ford gets a punch in the kidneys. He wants to trade hostages. Ford tells them to bugger out. Katie tells them to get back to seaQuest.

Bridger's. Bridger is telling the Professor about his new dilemma. The Prof asks what he's about to do. Bridger gripes about how Cobb has the whole town cowed and Bridger wants to give Cobb a fight. That makes Bridger no better than Cobb. Then the AI gets brains. It asks Bridger if Cobb is able to stage a real fight against the ship. No. Then where is his power? The town. Why do they give him the power? Bridger looke thoughtful. Seventh time we've had this CGI of a launch heading to the mine. Bridger, Katie, Crocker, Ben, and Lennie are on board.

Bridger tells Lennie everything will be ok. Lennie wants Ford to come back safe because Ford saved his family, etc. Bridger promises no guarantees. Way to pep talk. They dock. Bridger orders no weapons, so the guns are left. They move out and we pan over to the acces spanel in the floor where Lennie's kid has been hiding. He gets out.

In the mine, Bridger an dhis party come up on Cobb's mobile home. Cobb comes out with the guy from the poker game and his possee. They're all set for the trade. Cobb recognizes Katie's uniform. He smarts off and she asks how his head is. She managed to butcher that line. The bad guys throw Ford down. He's beaten up. Cobb smarts about how Lennie is in such good shape and Ford is beaten up.

Bridger proclaims there will be no more business as usual, trade or no. Bridger says they may have no jurisdiction on the mine, but Bridger phoned the local gold cartel and they agreed not to buy that dirty gold. It's a boycott. No one gets rich with Cobb around. Cobb says they're lying.

Cut to Ford being given a gun by the kid.

Back to Cobb. Cobb proposes to take Bridger hostage. He cocks his gun. Ford shoots over Cobb's head. There's an absurdly brief struggle and Cobb bails. Lennie gets in his way and cuts him off in the mine shafts. Cobb just wants out. Lennie isn't going to let him off that easy. Cobb plans to thrash him well and now it's time for the revenge fight. They're down on the ground wrestling pretty quick. Lennie takes a blow from a rock and Cobb gets a pickaxe up. Bridger grabs it and talks about fair fights. Why? Ford has a gun.

The fight resumes with fists. Lennie speechifies about his father being dead. He's about to do Cobb in, maybe, but his kid is there crying so no. Lennie leaves Cobb for Crocker to arrest. This fight was meaningless. Cobb lost the miners as soon as the gold boycott was announced. It's just payback for Lennie, who we have never actually seen suffer more than a minor scuffle, and his family which has only been threatened. There's no catharsis here. We don't care enough about Lennie for the fight to have any gravity despite the music swelling.

Moon pool. Lucas come in with Lennie's kid. The dog is there playing catch with Darwin. The boy is very impressed by Darwin. I wonder if that top secret project from last episode is about to be revealed to a blabbermouth child. Lucas spills the beans without prompting. Lucas is in a white jersey with black pinstripes and a red shirt.

The other Sutters arrive. They're all in seaQuest clothes now. Honestly, do they strip everyone who comes on board naked and force them into jumpsuits? Let alone jumpsuits identical to those of the military contingent? That's creepy. How does the conversation go?

"We noticed that your clothes are unlike our own. We would prefer that you dressed like we did. We've stolen your clothing and aren't giving it back."
"We're still wearing our clothes!"
"Did you notice we have guns?"

Ok. It really lame. It's a standard western plot and would really need us to invest in the fate of Lennie and his family to care. It's full of fail. If you want the audience to have a revenge catharsis, we need to really, really hate the guy that's going to get his comeuppance. We don't. He's a guest star who did wrong to guest stars we don't care about. Worse, he did it off-screen. If Cobb had raped Sutter's wife and raised Sutter's kid as his own, teaching him to hate Sutter and encouraging the boy to kick Sutter in the groin every day to show his love for his "real" daddy, that might have been enough. Especially if he pumped the kid full of drugs too or something. You know, really wrecked him on top of the betrayal Lennie would have to deal with. As it is, he's just a mundane. He's not even a mild sadist. The Regulator was more sadistic.