seaQuest: Photon Bullet

It's that time again on Midnight Roamer. Time for your Wandering Roamer to put away the disc two that has been sitting watched in his DVD player for these past days and muse about Jonathan Brandis's gigantic hairdo on the plastic case thingie that Universal gave us instead of the customary cardboard fold-out. I like the plastic cases, but between Mr. Brandis's gigantic forehead and his antigravity coiffure, between his selection of jerseys and his solid-color t-shirts, between peace and war, between love and hate, between 1993 and 1995, between his pissed off expression and his pissed off expression, is something I forgot while I was writing this sentence. What? You want quality? Ok. Between all those things are Funyuns. And also the clothes that members of the supporting cast must change into on boarding seaQuest to show their appreciation, the difference the crew has made in their lives, and their unwillingness to catch bullets with their foreheads. I guess the crew will have to keep using Crocker's spleen for target practice, even if the Regulator complains about the noise in his Pleasure Prison.

These reviews have continuity. This show? Not so much.

Photon Bullet (no The. They learned from The Regulator's The Punishment Dungeon)
Originally aired: December 19, 1993.

Any views expressed in features or commentary...these DVDs have features and commentary? All I see are deleted scenes? It would be funny if they got together the alumni that are ashamed of this stage of their careers, recorded a commentary, and then did the same for those who peaked on this show. Separate tracks. Then two more, each where they're watching and commenting on the commentary of the other group.

Anyway, I remember this being my most favoritest episode when I was a kid. It's the big Lucas episode of the season. This one is just about Lucas being Lucas. He's an actual protagonist, maybe. He talks to Seth Green. Since I loved it back then, now I'm going to probably hate it all the more. Especially with how all over the map Lucas can be. One minute he's a happy criminal. Then he's the tattletale to Bridger. Then he's shaving Hitchcock's back hair and feeding her rattlesnakes because while what he did was wrong, it's even more wrong to try to fix it. Oddly enough, both jobs involve killing lots of mice and a few tree sloths.

Universal Bump.

Close up of a hallway. A man's hand reaches in. There's what looks to be a dark-colored bathrobe on it. The arm, not the hand. It reaches for a keypad, but it's not a modern keypad. It's a 1970 black plastic in a stainless steel case thing. The numbers form not a square pad but rather two rows of what looks to be four. That means they're missing two digits. There's a red-lit niche under that I think we're meant to believe is a palm scanner but really I can just see where the set builder sunk the screw into the wall. Up top are a pair of lights, the bottom and currently lit light is yellow. The other is green. It's the security pad for the seaQuest's espresso machine and toenail clipper. Those things go together in the far-off future of 2018. One time, Crocker forgot his code and asked Lucas to hack into it. Lucas smarted off and told him to security the keypad's ass into submission. Then Crocker put his rings on, pulled out his belt, and a horrible scene occurred. It all ended with Lucas being punished by having to whip Crocker because he didn't squeal like Bridger liked.

Did I mention I paused about twenty seconds into the episode to write all of that?

Oh, there's the other two digits. The hand was hiding them. Now it punches in some code and the camera pans up to show us some Chinese characters on a sign on the wall as Mr. Hand puts on the stripped innards of a Nintendo Power Glove. It's got fingers and a circuit board is taped to the back of the hand. Multi-colored ribbon cables lead away down to nowhere probably. Power Glove gets put into the hand slot. Light turns green.

The captions tell us that this is a Chinese military compound somewhere. Mr. Glove takes off his globe and puts it in his satchel. The date is March, 2010. That means eight years ago in Questie. Gloves pulls out a stick with a mirror on it. We can see a red light down the hall. I bet he's foiling a laser! Nope, just pariscoping the camera. Now he has a hook on a stick he uses to turn the camera to point at the ceiling. I think the guys in the security office are going to notice that eventually, when they look up from their obesity-related heart attacks, diabetic comas, pornography, and donuts in that order.

Glove goes down a hall and pulls out a drill or something with a really long bit. He puts his glove back on and jimmies another lock with its techno-whammy. By the way, these keypads are gigantic. You could hide two squirrels inside one. He sneaks in and comes up on a Chinese man, played by an actual Asian person I think, sitting in a chair. Our Asian victim (Mr. Glove appears to be white) gets up from his chair and wheels around as the drill bit gets pushed towards him. Music swells and the action goes offscreen in time for us to hear a little pew pew that I guess means he got shot. The camera lingers on a small monitor with a game of Tetris up (seriously, it has what looks like a large block descending) and a white keyboard backlit with blue LEDs beneath. The keyboard looks snazzy, but that kind of thing would keep me up days.

The screen changes to a block art image of a duck right before credits. Beneath the surface lies Krieg's collection of pornography. Especially the tentacle rape hentai that Ortiz starred in.

Mildly grainy stock footage of a whale pod. Whalesong is piped in straight from Star Trek IV. The one with the whales, right before Vulcan Space Jesus. Shatner screams "BRIDGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

We are informed that it is now January 2019 in the central Pacific. This is about halfway through the seasom, and aired towards the end of the year. Were the writers trying for real continuity, or is this just a seasonal reference? Smart money is on B. WHSKR zooms up on whale.

Bridge. Whales are on the screens and Lucas is playing with a notebook or a clipboard or something. He's in what looks to be a white jersey with black stripes and a navy (the color, not the military) turtleneck. He presses in on Ortiz, the only crewman who hasn't signed his yearbook yet. Ortiz gives him the brush off. He was on the swim team. He doesn't have to deal with nerds half his age with more hair than he's allowed to keep. Lucas gives Ortiz a look and moves along, grimacing to show his dimples because we need something to keep the teenage girls interested. You know, his dimples are nothing like Seth Grabel's on Dirty Sexy Money. Brandis's only seem to appear when he's trying to make them appear. I wonder if that's just lighting and makeup or if Grabel has a more pronounced version in general?

The special guest star is Tim Russ. He will be teaching Lucas how to mind meld with Darwin.

Lucas walks around the bridge and gets in someone else's way. He's still holding his yearbook. He gets in Ford's way. Ford brushes him off and Lucas gives him a dirty look over his shoulder. You know, I have had days like this. If I were Lucas I would be mad by now too. He goes to climb up a ladder or steps or something and O'Neil is coming down. They each try left, then right. Then O'Neil carps "Lucas! Do you mind?" You know, you both got there at the same time and you were both making good faith efforts to get out of the way. But don't tell that to Tim O'Neil. He makes Lucas swing off the ladder to get out of his way.

Lucas gets up the ladder just in time to run into Hitchcock. Writers, the point has been made. Lucas feels like he's in the way and unwanted. He doesn't belong here with Ortiz from the swim team, O'Neil from AV club, Ford from the football team, creepy Coach Crocker who looks at the boys when they're changing, Hitchcock the snake-handler, or Bridger who always whines about how he's not half the man Picard is. An extra hurries across, face away from the camera, and nearly adds another collision to Lucas's list.

Lucas's notepad really is a notebook and he's jotting something down as he backs right into Ford. Ford seizes him by the throat, lifts him off the ground, uses his free hand to punch the kid in the gut a few times, and takes off his belt before Westphalen steps in and hands him a taser with the instruction to go for the groin. It worked for her with Krieg.

Not really. Lucas wheels and looks like he was about to blow until he realized it was Ford. Ford grabs Lucas on the shoulder and tells him to go stand in the corner behind the pool. For some reason this instruction is accompanied by clapping Lucas's left breast (Seriously, right under the arm.). I think that's supposed to make Lucas feel better. It's not every day the first officer makes a grab on your nipple.

Lucas goes towards his corner, but just turns and walks out instead. In the clam doors, he gives the bridge a good-bye glance and starts smacking the notebook with his pen. Ben and Crocker run into him and Crocker asks about a security program, which is code for his Grade-A Cambodian Heroin shipment.

"Uh no, Chief, actually-"
Crocker cuts him off and he's waving his hand at Lucas, "Don't tell me you're going to do something if you don't intend to do it. All right?"
Lucas glares at him, "Yes sir."

Lucas gets into the maglev, which you have to sit down on or it will kill you. Yet it starts moving and we can still see his back standing up. He whisks him away to be one of the stars of season two.

You know, this isn't bad so far. It's a bit heavy-handed, but we could grant decent writers that the episode might be written from Lucas's POV. Good writers on good shows can do that pretty well. There's just never been any sign they do it, or try to do it, here.

An anvil smashes into the deck as Bridger comes up on Crocker. Was that Lucas? Yes, yes it was. Crocker would know that jersey anywhere. Bridger asked Lucas to stay on the bridge because it's supposed to be a part of his training.

Ok, continuity please. Is Lucas actually in a military training program now? Because they don't normally act it, but sometimes the crew seem to think so. His training? If this is really how Bridger thinks of it, we can only conclude that Bridger never went to boot camp. Shouldn't Lucas be in some of that civilian seaQuest wear that the guest stars always get? For that matter, when he was bunking with Bridger did that count as training? Because that's really creepy.

Bridger and Crocker enter the bridge and we cut to a video screen. A voice welcomes us to Internex. Internex is supposed to be the internet (this comes out in a later episode I remember) but right now it's a company name. Internex Communications Systems. Lucas logs on as Frankenstein and his access code is 2402484.818. The controls on the Internex whatever look a lot like DVD player controls, except there seems to be an emoticon button.

Cut to Lucas at the controls just to let us know it's him logging in. Back to the screen and a bad CGI Frankenstein lumbers on screen in full Karloff. The blue background has a castle on a mountain like no real castle would ever be built. It's impregnable, but you could never build that without modern cranes and great expense. FrankenLucas asks for Wolfman. Wolfman arrives.

FrankenLucas suggests a game, but Wolfman is still licking his wounds from that time Buffy almost staked him. FrankenLucas has wounds of his own. Who beat him? Nobody. He's sick of being pushed around. Push back. Not that easy. Cut yourself. I'm already missing three fingers. Wolfman blows him off. Lightning strikes in the background. All this for a chatroom?

Lucas's Frankenavatar desperately pleads "WOLFMAN!" but he's gone and Lucas turns it off. Darwin is in the tube. Lucas complains about how he has it easy and can take off whenever he wants to. He wanders over and sits on his bed, next to a stack of three power supplies. He has his back to the tube and doesn't see that Darwin is taking off because I'm the only person that cares about Lucas's angst. Lucas crosses his legs. He pulls down some flippers and at this point in the show would Lucas have his own flippers? He doesn't really seem like much of a watery person in general. He starts drumming on a pipe, but the phone rings and he's wanted on the bridge.

Cut to a screen displaying a text message from one Node Three, which needs some parts and Lucas. Lucas is specifically requested. I guess you can order him out of the UEO catalog between lingerie and lug nuts. Anyway, Node Three wants Lucas to come see the toys and candy it has in its van.

O'Neil is sitting at the comm station. Ford is over his shoulder. Krieg is to Ford's side. Bridger is to the other side in profile. They leave a perfect Lucas-shaped gap for Lucas to slide into.

"Lucas, why'd you leave?"
"Captain, nobody wanted me here."
"I did. Did you mention that to anyone?"

Ok. So Lucas is not supposed to rat people out. He is not supposed to stand idly by when he could be implicating himself in schemes. But he is supposed to tell the crew that if they don't put up with him, Daddy Bridger will pull the car over right now? At least this establishes that training Lucas is Bridger's thing, not a boat policy or something like that. So it's not weird that nobody else knows about it. Does Lucas know he's being trained? Lucas says that he did not mention that. I can see why. He gets huge mixed messages from Bridger. Bridger suggests that maybe Lucas should have called on Daddy Bridger's name. Is he trying to emasculate the kid? Is this all some sick mind game to get him used to arbitrary authority?

They show Lucas the message, which has top security clearance. Bridger calls on O'Neil to exposition that Node Three is the central crossing point for all the lines across the Pacific, because in the future no one uses communications satellites. But ok, I can still buy that. This one is just me nitpicking. It's unlikely that satellites would completely replace land lines under oceans. Everything from the phone, to the internet, to military communications (now I wonder about satellites again) goes through there. Lucas identifies the parts requested and says they have a lot. I can believe he would be stuck with inventory for that stuff.

By the way, Lucas is staring at the screen with the message on it and Bridger is reading it to him. This is a bit insulting, but we learned last episode that Ford normally does all Bridger's reading for him. Maybe Nathan's been studying very hard and wants to show off. He says Lucas is specially requested and Lucas smarts off.

"Oh, I see... So as soon as there's a computer problem, I'm back in favor?" That's unfair of him, but it's unfair in a teenager kind of way. "Well I'm not going there and you can't make me, he smirks."

Kid, Westphalen has mood-altering drugs and Nathan can order her to dope you up. Bridger can make you.

"There are such things as child labor laws, you know." And that's a good point. What kind of hours does Lucas put in? Ben puts his hand on Lucas's shoulder and tries to shut him up, but he's not having it. Bridger wants to know where this is coming from. The Progressive Movement.

Lucas wants to get paid. Everyone else gets paid. Why can't he? That's a good question. Honestly, he doesn't go to school. We never see him in classes. His formal education must be finished. And Lucas doesn't want an allowance. He wants a salary. Bridger is nodding along, because he knows Lucas wants to be paid in nose candy from Ben's stash and no one considers Krieg's property sacred. Then Lucas says he's the one that keeps everything running, because Hitchcock is the most incompetent chief engineer ever to live.

Bridger: Orly?
Lucas: Srsly.
Bridger: No wai!
Lucas: Yah wai!

No, Bridger gives him oh really and Lucas realizes he's stepped in it and alienated everybody. He storms off, jersey billowing behind him. They should have given him a cape.

Exterior CGI of a sea station made up of a bunch of domes and spheres with lights around them. The ship comes into the frame and a launch takes Lucas over. Cut to inside where the seaQuest docking bay has been re-dressed. Lucas is in his black jersey with a red turtleneck. He, Bridger, Crocker, and Krieg come up and Tim Russ greets them with a neck pinch. Tim is dressed in a paisley sort of shirt with a sweatervest on over it. Behind him are a group of redshirts dressed a little bit like graduate students.

Bridger introduces Tim around, but he only has eyes for Lucas. If I were Bridger I would be worried at this point. Lucas is the last to be introduced and Tim grabs him up in a hug, "Frankenstein!" Lucas has public humiliation written all over his face, especially considering how Tim Russ's hands drift as he pulls back. He tries to smile it off.

You know I feel a little guilty about using the actor's real name in these remarks here, but I don't have his character's name yet. In the incredibly remote chance you're actually reading this, Tim, no offense is meant. I remember liking you a lot in this episode. Also the one where Kes cooked your brains. I can't remember her real name.

Ben is mystified by what Lucas just got called. Tim Russ explains that it's a "hacker tag" that they use online. Like a nickname. Apparently no one in the near future grew up with the internet. Or the concept of nicknames, Benjamin. Lucas grimaces, but Crocker is behind him and who knows what just happened. There could be a bullet in his kidneys right now because the ol' chief thinks Lucas ripped a little girl with a flower in half and then did terrible things to her corpse without inviting him along.

Tim tells the crew that Frankenstein's a legend. Really? How legendary can you be if you were introduced as an unspecified "discipline problem" and not the guy who destroyed 10% of the internet or something? Or does Tim just mean that Lucas is really, really good at Space Invaders? He takes the modules off Lucas's hands. They're in a big yellow plastic case. Lucas is charmed to learn that he's a legend. I feel the same way whenever people introduce me as the famous Midnight Wanderer, of Midnight Roamer. Fame has its perks.

Tim wants to show Lucas something and asks the rest of the crew to "hang" while he does. Not many people get a chance to see this. Tim has some awesome nose candy in his van. Despite the fact that Tim only asked Lucas along, Bridger and the others follow. Tim expositions that he has 21 sysops here, all geniuses. All minors. So he's alone with a bunch of minors for months on end in a small sea station? To hit up the rest of the stereotypes, are they also his scout troop? Does he hear their confessions? Tim glurges about how the young learn computers so easily, because it's 1993. He's also happy because he asks who else would enjoy being trapped in a bubble out in the ocean floor for a couple of years? Besides Bridger's harem and Ford. Oh, and Hitchcock because she isn't allowed to go out on dry land anyway. Restraining order. She left her rattlesnakes in a McDonalds once.

Tim tells the guys that adults want more. Cars, houses. They never last more than a couple of months. But this is the candy store to kids. Everything is free. He really did say candy store. We cut to Lucas meeting the locals. He starts to hold court, but Bridger notices he's gone and calls for him. The PA tells us that Interstellar Virtual Combat finals are continuing somewhere on the network.

Cut to a security panel. No keypad. Tim Russ holds his hand up, well away from it, and lasers go to work. It confirms that he's one Martin Pleven so I shall stop abusing your good name, Mr. Russ. His password is Mycroff. The Holmes character is Mycroft. Somebody didn't do the research. Lucas is stunned to hear the name and repeats it. Could it be that Mycroff is famous enough that the typo he made when he set up his account ten years ago has been forgiven?

We cut do a door with shadows over it and a red light to one side. It swings open to reveal a large, mostly empty room with three gigantic widescreen monitors, five workstations with smaller monitors, a circular lighting arrangement over it, and a circular dais with steps on which it all rests. This is actually a pretty cool set.

Mycroff explains that no one knows how much bandwidth they've got, which I don't buy. If they set up the network, they know it's maximum load. He claims they lost count. Lucas is so impressed he's gasping and needs new pants. He should have worn the wetsuit. He declares it unbelieveable. Mycroff goes on about how it's the highest information density anywhere and leads Lucas up to the dais. He's offered a chair. Mycroff has it set up so he can play around with vital international communications security, but not do any damage. Just compromise the security of every nation on earth to listen in to phone sex calls from Thailand. He's given a little headset because some of the interface is by voice. I wish it worked like that one game in the TNG episode and got him stoned. That would be cool. You just know he'd take copies of the game back to seaQuest to get everyone hooked and it doesn't work because none of them can beat the game.

Some kind of cube matching game appears on the screen and Lucas plays with the controls as it plays itself. The geeks come over to coo and root for him. He's most interested in this one girl that comes and looks over his shoulder. So what is this supposed to be? It's a game. This is supposed to be some kind of network interface? Mycroff proclaims Lucas a genius for making it to level four.

Bridger is ready to go and wants Lucas to come along, but Lucas does not want to go. He's getting high off playing 3-d tetris. Mycroff says he's welcome to stay and Lucas makes the point that the ship is in the area just following whales in a circle anyway. Crocker and Krieg tell Bridger to lighten up. That headset can't possibly be stimulating Lucas's pleasure centers and getting him addicted because that's not how he behaves when he gets his exquisite pleasure electronically inflicted on him in Krieg's boudoir.

Bridger relents and says he'll call Lucas. He waves his hand in front of Lucas's eyes, but Lucas isn't paying any mind. He doesn't even blink. You could not have missed that hand and you think Lucas would try to wave it away or something. Is this really meant to be addictive? Lucas doesn't even change expressions. Come on.

They walk down a hallway and Bridger complains to Mycroff about how Lucas doesn't even have a toothbrush. If you put him in front of a computer he'll forget to eat. I think the writers were trying for genuine here, but it comes across as very codgery for a supposed intellectual like Bridger. Now if it had been Crocker, this I could buy. They ask Mycroff about provisions. They have a five person staff that handles administrivia like food and air.

The awet team leave and the ship goes away. We cut to a room full of teenagers, none of which are probably teenagers. Lucas is explaining to somebody about something. He's very into it but no one else is really paying attention despite being all around him. Mycroff comes back in and chases everyone back to work hacking and cracking. He introduces the girl, Red Menace aka Juliana. She'll be Lucas's designated girl for two seasons, I think. She reappears sometime in season two. The other introduced is Seth Green, fresh off his appearance on the X-Files. He's the Wolfman and Lucas is happy to meet his internet buddy. His name's really Nick. They're about to converse when Mycroff drives him back to work.

Mycroff grabs Lucas on the shoulder and starts glurging about how photons going through glass tubes and how the station gets them where they need to go. Wolfman interjects to say the money is on the move. On the big screens, various flashing lights and lines indicate transmissions. They're on a map. This would never be practical, but it's a good visual.

Wolfman complains that they're going to miss it. Mycroff is only interested in Lucas. What does Lucas think of the world? Is it good, bad? Is this supposed to be a cult now? Lucas thinks the world sucks. Mycroff floats the notion of making it better. Would Lucas? Yeah he would. A line crawls across the map as Wolfman counts down and Mycroff gets in the seat, puts on his headset and explains that this is a money transfer meant for humanitarian aid but being redirected to a Swiss bank account. The clock is running down. Mycroff captured it and sent it to a rural Chinese hospital.

Lucas: You don't even worry about getting caught.
"The money's already been stolen. Who is going to complain?"

Mycroff explains that they're doing the right thing. He preaches for a little bit and I know we're supposed to find this slightly dubious. Lucas is supposed to be letting his alienation make his decisions here. But Mycroff kind of has a point. Again Lucas is presented with the notion of improving the world. He gapes at Mycroff and we fade to commercial and come up on whales.

Moon Pool. Westphalen is holding a mug and telling Bridger that when her daughter was seventeen she shaved off half her hair and dyed the other half bright orange. Lucas must be seventeen now. Kristin goes on about how kids irritate you, no matter how bright. Bridger angsts about falling into the trap of being parental. Isn't that what he's supposed to be doing? Why is Lucas on the ship if not? Why has Bridger concocted conscious plains to train Lucas if not? If anybody on board would be a natural parental figure to him, it would be Westphalen. She has that den mother thing going for her.

Bridger says he should know better after one kid. Westphalen says he wants to be with kids his own age. Really? She suggests calling up on Lucas. Bridger says that would be checking up. Bridger is bothered by the fact that he knows more about the whales now than Lucas. She wants him to send a WHSKR to monitor Lucas. He waves it off as tempting. He knows Lucas wants to be on his own, but this does not stop him worrying.

We're supposed to buy this. They have presented us with Bridger the father figure. But what has he done to win Lucas's trust? To endear himself? Not much.

Mess hall on Node Three. Close up of microwaves and Juliana talking about how pizza and hot dogs, and whatever else Microsoft feeds them, is fine except for sushi. It never thaws right. We pull out to see her chest and then follow Lucas's eyes up to his face. He's in a red plaid shirt and a sky blue t-shirt which I think I owned about that time. They were everywhere. He asks how Julie got here. She graduated college at sixteen. Lucas says that's him too. So his education is over. And every other kid there is the same too. She says it's a great place for her.

Lucas begins to explain his plight. He did not fit into his parents' notion of a lifestyle, so they sent him to the ship. Bridger sends a report card every few months, which he doubts they read. Rather than asking his friend directly, Lucas asks Julie about Wolfman. He's a slow learner. They didn't let him out of MIT until seventeen. One year older than she was. Honestly, the guy is two feet away and that kind of difference could be because his birthday is earlier in the year than hers. If they were going to play up his status as an outsider, that might work. Now it's just filler.

They go over to Wolfman, who is sitting with Mycroff at a very tiny table. Mycroff asks if he scared Lucas earlier, because he really is Mycroff. Mycroff expositions about how Lucas was two when he crashed the ARPANET. Somebody did some homework now. Brought down the entire US defense system for twenty-four hours. Now that's how you get to be famous. Has Lucas done something like that to warrant his geek fame? If so, why wasn't it the first thing we heard about him? Mycroff did three years for it. THen he got "cozy with corruption" before coming to Node Three. He leaves them.

Lucas asks the obvious question. Oz explains that Mycroff worked for the government for a while before disappearing. He saw something bad. Then he got the job at the station when it went online. Lucas asks them if the social engineering (This is what Mycroff calls his hacking.) scares them. Oz says that's why they're here. It's not worth it if it doesn't scare them. I can believe this part. Oz warns Lucas off the sushi. He shrugs and picks up some toast with jam on it, managing to flip his tray and dump his tall glass of orange juice. We get a close up of it shattering.

Close up of screens doing computer things. Mycroff is telling Lucas to do something. He's in the hot seat. He uses the voice interface. Mycroff talks about Brazil and its civil war. This looks like a real interface now. So what was the point of the cubes before? It's a simple graph of locations where trouble is going down in Brazil. They focus on election fraud. Lucas explains the interface to anyone who fell asleep. Mycroff tells him to pick a trouble spot. He does and declares that someone is cheating. Mycroff tells him to fix it. Lucas starts working and watching the map. He hits the keys fast and inserts a monitoring virus into their systems to phone home if any fraud goes on. Mycroff congratulates him and there are smiles and laughs all around.

Hallway. It looks like they made up a college dorm. Regular doors and everything. Lots of crap on the walls and party decorations for no discernable reason. Julie is asking how Lucas did it. She tells Oz to get lost. Then she kisses Lucas and bails herself. Lucas looks stunned. She closes the door behind her, then opens it and invites him into her dorm room. It's overdecorated with huge palms. She talks about how she imagined Lucas. She didn't expect cute.

"You think I'm cute?" I have the feeling Brandis had this conversation a lot. It is a pocket t-shirt like I had, by the way.

Julie says that the Frankenavatar doesn't really convey cute well. Oh by the way, when she and Oz were hacking UEO codes they guessed what he looked like. What codes? They didn't need the modules. They sent the message just to get Lucas. He's impressed by the feat of hacking. Why? Wolfman wanted to meet so they could undress one another and debug naked for hours on end, their bodies sensuously draped over one another. In the spare moments, he could whisper stories about how David Played-Mulder-Can't-Spell-His-Last-Name acted on set into Lucas's ear. "This one time he let his pet gerbil run all over the craft services table..."

Lucas says he's cute and stupid now. Lucas is seventeen and spends all his time holed up on a sub with a dolphin and nobody his own age. Julie is coming on to him. If he has any blood left in his skull at all by now, I'd be amazed. Lucas doesn't seem exactly experienced with girls. But he wants to know what's going on. On Node Three, not in his pants. He presses for more. She kisses him and he kisses back.

Cut to a new screen. Many woots and cheers from the peanut gallery as Frankenstein is beating Wolfman at some game played on three stacked boards that tilt and rotate. Lucas is beating him pretty badly. Julie spots Mycroft (she says it correctly) and everyone starts to disperse.

M: Has anyone ever beat you? I was like you: too smart and too young to know it. And it hurt too. He has a bit of Jesse Jackson diction here. He says his sanctuary was in the streets, so he probably sees things through different eyes. Lucas is listening intently. M proclaims the node his apology. He could do bad things with the node. Pain. Death. Right out on the internet. Now he works to end the pain. He calls up the logo of the World Bank.

M proposes Lucas hack the World Bank. Lucas says it's impossible. Like hacking UEO codes? That's just hard, like when Lucas was with Julie and trying to get enough blood to his brain to stay conscious. Mycroff lays into Lucas about how this isn't just a playground where he shows off. He's here to hack the World Bank. Lucas looks hurt. M goes on about how this is big money that controls armies. It's not just Apple Computer buying Microsoft. Heh. Mycroff is getting really unhinged here. Oz is unperturbed, but Lucas is not buying. He wants to know what he has to do with this, because he didn't read the script for the last six scenes.

M explains that everyone else has tried and failed, and offers Lucas the headset. Lucas takes it and puts it on. Why? He looks very reluctant. Or is it scared? Hard to tell. Tense music plays as he goes to work. A window pops up on the screen and we see a cube rotating. I guess this is going to visualize levels of protection. Not a bad device, but it was just a game earlier. Montage continues. Lucas gets a slice of pizza as the blue cube gives way to a green diamond, which opens into a red dodecahedron. Now a yellow-orange dodecahedron as the montage ends and Lucas proclaims it impossible.

Oz gives a pep talk about being so close and Julie rubs his shoulders. They technobabble at it. Wolfman suggests some technobabble, which works. They're in. Mycroff declares that Lucas did good and can stay. So this was a loyalty test too? Lucas is thrilled to succeed. Apparently all that fear and doubt vanished. Julie kisses him and Oz hugs both. So Lucas is amember of the cult now.

The ship. Bridger is going through Lucas's things. Lucas phones and wants to know what Bridger is doing pawing through his stuff, besides looking for porn. He makes up a story about Lucas borrowing some music and not returning it. Then he says Darwin misses Lucas. How long has it been? Lucas is still in his clothes from the day of the confrontation with Julie and the hacking. Did this all happen in one day? Bridger is missing him that much already?

I take that back. He's in new clothes now. Red shirt under a parchment-colored shirt. He proclaims the node the greatest place on Earth. He loves it. He wants to stay "a while". Bridger is ok with this (Doesn't he have some kind of custody? Can he just give it up like that?) but tells Lucas to tell his parents, who don't care even if it is Lucas's responsibility to tell them. Lucas is in a phone booth. Other people are outside waiting in line. They knock on the door. Lucas agrees to think about it, and Bridger says he'll call on the morrow.

Bridger and Darwin talk about Lucas leaving. It sounded like he was having fun.

Cut to Lucas and Julie kissing. Oz walks in. Julie is wearing vintage 1983, an oversize sweatshirt that leaves one shoulder hanging out in the breeze. Visible black bra strap. Oz explains that tomorrow they'll be in complete control of the World Bank. Lucas wants to know what Mycroff did when he was off the grid, but he's a complete enigma. Lucas suggests hacking in and finding out. It would be a great hack. Julie isn't really curious. Oz and Lucas start talking strategy technobabble, which upsets Julie. But boys will be boys. This is about the first time I buy Oz and Lucas being friends. He leaves Julie to hack with the Wolfman.

The big screen room. Lucas and Oz mount up and go to work. Oh, Martin Clemens. M worked for NorPac. No, the CIA. Julie walks into the room. M was working both sides. He was connected with the Chinese border closing nine years ago. Lucas expositions that his parents were scared then and it's weird to see your parents afraid. This incident could use some fleshing out. Lucas correctly pronounces it Mycroft. It reads that on the screen. Everybody else forgets the final consonant. M was trying to get into the Chinese military computers. The Chinese had a team working against him.

Lucas gapes. M killed somebody. Oz denies it, but it's on the screen. Then M comes on all the screens and declares, "Give me the room." He tells Lucas and Oz to stay. So does Julie. M comes in and keys up old security footage. It's the Chinese guy from the teaser in B&W. He gets shot and a guy that looks a little bit like M (but the guy in the teaser was definitely white and M definitely is not) leans into the camera to get a good head shot of himself. Lucas looks near tears.

"I put a photon bullet in his head. It was a time of great fear..." And so on. M was a new kind of soldier to fight a new war and crash the Chinese computers. Oh, a plot hole is closing. M orchestrated things so a junior counterhacking believed one of his seniors was working for the other side. He more or less manipulated the guy into offing his boss. M says it was a game to him, until it happened. They kicked him off the team for not telling them how he did the hit. Now he's going to show them they're wrong with the World Bank.

Julie's room. Lucas, Julie, and Oz storm in and Lucas is ranting about how this is all about M and he's lost touch with reality. Julie says he's chickening out. Lucas says that even if it's morally right, what gives them the right to do it? Who asked? Even if it works out, where do they get off? Points to Lucas for considering democratic accountability, but that raises questions about non-democracies. Now Lucas wants to know what if they blow it. Chaos. Disaster. They could hurt more than they help. He wants to do something to stop it.

Bridger's room. He's sleeping with a book in hand, in his robe. Who sleeps in a robe? The phone rings. It's Lucas. He looks like he's terrified. Lucas starts in about responsibility and figuring out what is the right thing. Bridger offers trial and error. Lucas floats harming someone. Bridger speaks vaguely, saying nothing. Lucas hangs up, having apparently gotten something out of that.

Hallway. The kids are moving into the Room because it's on. Lucas is in a brown plaid shirt. Oz hauls him along to see the festivities. M preaches about how they're going to capture the network and it'll be great. Lucas eyes him. They start taking over the network. There's Africa. Oz says he has some network trouble and they technobabble, then he gets on his headset and calls out for Lucas. M is two feet away again. What is it with these people and private conversations two feet away from the people you don't want to hear?

Julie is in too. Oz says the network is too unstable to keep control of. Well there goes giving the character any moral responsibility or a real dilemma. The technology failures will save us from it. Lucas resolves to stop it all and starts hacking even as the network is fully trapped. Then the screens go down. Lucas says he shut the node down, because it's wrong. M gets in a seat to hack around Lucas and they have a hacker fight.

M: I've been here before.
"Yeah, you killed a man."

Screens flicker. Lucas speeches about how this is not a game. M goes on about how he took a live. Lucas gets the screens down and M lifts him out of his chair and starts choking Lucas. Oz calls up the security video and that does it. M freaks out. He's pleading now. Lucas goes on about how M is hiding behind the machines and it's not human. M is cracking pretty well now.

"You can't help someone until you know who they are."

M plops in a chair. Lucas tells him to net the network go, and it goes. Then he apologizes.

Epilogue. Oz wants Lucas to stay, but Lucas left some people behind he didn't meant to. They agree to stay in touch and hug. Then Oz leaves and Julie comes up. M is going to be shipped off on seaQuest. Julie is apparently in charge until his replacement arrives. They have awkward good-bye speeches and a hug. As they hug, the door opens and Bridger and Ford come in. Bridger says Julie is cute.

M walks up and thanks Bridger for the lift. Bridger treats this like a visit. Ok, so no one knows? The order came right from UEO command. M and Lucas share a glance. So M wrote his own ticket and is going to vanish again or something.

Ford hands over Lucas's paycheck, retroactive. We close on Lucas walking into the launch saying the salary isn't enough.

Ok. This one was good until the final crack up. I can see that Lucas is wrestling with a legitimate ethical dilemma. Is it ok for them to secretly and anonymously thwart the actions of a democratic government? Doesn't that make them dictators? That's a good issue to wander around and look over. But Lucas's decision to turn his back on it makes very little sense if he was using the advice Bridger gave. That would bless or condemn any action. It's just not useful. The story would have worked better if Bridger wasn't involved at all. Lucas had legitimate, principled qualms. It worked, but then they let technology shortcomings rescue him from any responsibility in the choice. He did the right thing, maybe, but only when he had two friends ratifying it for him and certainty that they couldn't have accomplished controlling the network anyway.

But it's really unclear what we're to take from the Node. Was all that just meant to reconcile Lucas to his fate on seaQuest? If so, I suppose it works. But it works by taking one of the central conflicts of the character, his alienation from his surroundings, and shooting it in the head. The writers get points for showing the node as a relatively positive environment for Lucas, compared to their anti-intellectualism in the past, but ultimately he chooses against it. Sure, it's because they paid him for the whole season. But it's a weird choice still. I know we're supposed to get that he cares about Bridger. Fine. But what else?

There are some gestures towards making the Node a cult of personality around Mycroft. M acts it and the only two noders we see with personality buy in, but that fades off as the episode goes on. They're just anonymous seat-fillers. No lines. No actions of consequence. If the node were nurturing, but ultimately cult-like, that might be an interesting angle and counterpoint to seaQuest. The ship is only sort of nurturing to someone like Lucas, at best. The military aspect could be played up in cultic tones. At times Lucas is responding like he's being indoctrinated, but if the writers were going for that they changed their mind halfway through and M turned to more generic crazy like the Regulator was.

If it's meant as a clique piece, it just fails. Lucas wasn't being adopted by a clique that demanded he reject his old friends from the After School Special. He clearly qualified long before he ever got to Node Three. Likewise there's no real rejection scene to demonstrate any element of betrayal which he will have to atone for. He just decided he wanted to life there for a bit. He wasn't made to disown anybody.

But overall, this is a good episode. It's not stunning TV, but we get to explore some of Lucas's issues in a more native environment for him. He gets to demonstrate that he's good at hacking instead of having it all happen offscreen so he can feed exposition. We get to talk about his relationship to the crew. This is the first episode since the one with the mad scientist that I feel like I could enjoy watching many more times. It's a good character piece, even if it does fall apart at the end. Maybe the writers realized they'd written the pilot for a Lucas, Oz, and Julie show instead of a seaQuest episode (It does feel like a backdoor pilot. Lucas aside, the regular cast are very absent.) and had to dial it back.

This isn't a great ending, and I think there's more to write about these issues. But I'm getting pretty tired and the sun will be up soon. It's time for this Wanderer to hit the sack, even if violence isn't the answer.