More seaQuest

It's the second attack of the semi-obscure early 90s scifi shows! I'm writing this half as I watch.

The Devil's Window
Originally aired: September 18, 1993.

Oh man, the summary makes this one sound bad. Maybe this show really is awful.

We open with someone expositioning us about the Mid-Atlantic Ridge. Cut to Jonathan Brandis sitting next to the Guest-Star of the Week trying to look fascinated and failing. He was probably staring at a hole in the set. They exposition back and forth with him, the guest star, Bridger, and Westphalen. The guest star is going on and on about how he's going to shove a probe into a volcanic vent. It's full of bacteria that no one has ever seen, which makes it a giant biohazard. Westphalen thinks bringing it on board is risky. Imagine.

They spot Darwin outside. Lucas let him out. So it's time to call him back because, uh, we don't know? He's in the way of the cameras? Turns out one of the capsules from the vent...weren't we shoving something into the vent? They're pulling stuff out with a minisub. The capsule ruptures and Darwin swims right through it. And credits.

I think Lucas is wearing the outfit from the credits in this episode.

We're back and they're going down. The giant-ass probe is shaking the hell out of the ship as they go down with it. Water is splashing out of the moon pool in the bridge. Lucas is listening to music in his room when he gets the need to visit the head or something. There's no reason given for why he suddenly looks worried and drops what he's doing.

By the way, the probe/platform/whatever can be released by pushing a giant, red button labeled "release". Seriously. Bridger has his hand over it while Hitchcock and Ford take the helm. Does it really take two people to drive a sub? That seems like a bad idea. What, is each of them in charge of half the engines? Anyway, Ford and Hitchcock are sitting playing with their joysticks. Everyone looks constipated and then we're fine. Bridger takes his hand off the big red button. The extras on the bridge are congratulating themselves.

Lucas is back at work now. What did he get up for? Darwin's behind him looking forlorn. Lucas doesn't see. He has black and white photos up against the tube. Lucas would have been born what, about 2001?? B&W photos of what?

Bridge. Brider is pulling at his collar. He feels warm. O'Neil, getting his first personality of the series, screams out, "Captain!" What? Darwin is sick in the moon pool at the bridge. O'Neil and Bridger dive in. Guest star is mad that Westphalen is taking off, but dammit she's a doctor, Guest Star!

Cut to Brigder and O'Neil hauling a very fake dolphin prop through the tubes. They're lost in the tubes. O'Neil is freaked out. Ted Raimi manages to sell it despite the creaking voice.

Cut to the moon pool. Westphalen is impatient waiting for them. Back to the tube. Darwin looks less fake now, but his jaw is still bobbing open every time they bounce the prop. A hallway somewhere. Lucas is plastered to the tube window. Bridger comes up and does some hand signals to him.

Moon pool. We finally arrive and wasn't the whole tube sequence wasted time? We knew Darwin was sick and they were hauling him to the moon pool. This episode must have come in short. Lucas is mooning over Darwin. Westphalen doesn't know what's wrong. The thingie that lets Darwin talk doesn't translate his metaphors about sickness. Lucas is taking this hard. I can buy this in a boy and his dog way.

O'Neil is explaining how he speaks all these languages but he somehow "got" Darwin. Ok.

Bridger's room. The Doc is going on about Darwin's white cell count being bad. Enter guest star. He wants to press on. This is the plot of the episode. Guest star shows off a prop. It's supposed to go into the magma. They didn't tell Bridger about it. It looks like the head of a tampon. Bridger doesn't care. I have trouble believing that Bridger didn't know about a major part of a scientific mission involving his own boat until just now.

Bridger phones someone who is worried that he owes Bridger money. The guy on the other end wants to introduce his family to Bridger. Turns out this guy is some kind of vet. The vet wants to see Darwin. Bridger, who is in civvies now, isn't sure. He goes to the bridge and wants to drop the platform early. Scienguest freaks. Bridger orders the ship to the vet.

You know, I'm not buying this episode. It's one of these canned amoral scientist vs. compassion plots. With a dolphin as the victim. I can buy that Bridger would care. I might even buy that he would scrap the mission. But eh. The scientist isn't selling it for me. He talks like Dr. Doom.

Ward Room. The scienguest rants at Admiral Noyce. This doesn't work out. "He's lost his mind! ... I'm sorry I didn't bring my personal astrologer." Heh. The admiral hangs up and Westphalen and Ford actually have to restrain the guy to keep him from, what, calling the Secretery General of the UEO? Um...ok... Look, it's his life's work. But this guy has no medium setting.

Moon pool. Bridger in a wetsuit petting Darwin. Darwin is glad Bridger is there. Ok. It's sweet. Later, they're hoisting Darwin out of the pool to take him to the vet, I guess.

Vet. All the UEO guys changed into kahki uniforms. Why? Did they take the time on the minisub to switch? I can buy that there are separate wet and dry uniforms, but they'd switch in the middle of a trip? When taking a sick "crewmember" to a doctor? This kind of undermines the point that they're supposed to care about Darwin like he were a human.

Ward Room. Ford checks on scienguest. He's down until he sees some dolphins swimming. Then he's moved. So he's not going to be a complete jerk? We have a humanized guest scientist? On a scifi show? I've barely ever seen that.

Vet. The vet tells Nathan Darwin is going to die, and they know so little about how dolphins handle sickness. Vet offers Nathan a beer. Nathan says he feels sorry for Lucas. Darwin is now the closest he's had to a "pal". The vet offers Lucas a beer. He's only sixteen. Then he'll get two! This is kind of Picardish. Nathan doesn't think to invite Lucas to stick around, but the vet does. Lucas tries to open his beer.

Scienguest wants to know how long they have to wait for Darwin to die. O'Neil lays into him for being insensitive. Lucas is thinking about what Darwin was saying as he stares at his beer. He opens it, lifts it up, then starts talking again. They figure out that Darwin doesn't want to die alone. Lucas reaches for his beer again. It's non-alcoholic. It gets within two inches of Brandis's mouth. Standards & Practices. Definitely.

So they're going to go find Darwin's dolphin family. This is stretching it for a multi-billion dollar submarine. Lucas is reading exposition about dolphins to us out of a script hidden in a book. Well maybe not. Cut to the moon pool. Westphalen has a pink wetsuit. Why? Because she has a uterus?

They find a match to Darwin's calls and Darwin hears and starts thrashing. Smiles on the bridge. They found Darwin's mother. Ok. Pretty easy considering. Bridger, Lucas, and O'Neil rush to the moon pool to let Darwin out. Darwin starts calling for Bridger, who tells him to take off.

Jonathan Brandis's sad, worried expression and mannerisms were very similar to Sarah Michelle Gellar's. Only he doesn't stick his head into his navel.

Anyway, Darwin's with his family and they go back to dump the probe/platform/tampon into the black smokers. Westphalen wants more safety procedures. Scienguest still doesn't care. You know, one would think as a scientist he would get that what could infect Darwin might infect people.

Lucas mopes in his room. O'Neil mopes in the mess. Bridger mopes on the bridge. Ford says he's depressing everyone. Heh.

Ward Room. Vet is on the phone asking Westphalen what they're up to. He identified the bacteria from Darwin. They're bringing up the goodies. Now they think of it. Westphalen calls the moon pool, but no one hears over the machinery. Darwin dives out of the pool and knocks Bridger away from the pods o' bacteria. And his friends brought seaweed that must be The Cure.
So dolphins can outrace a top of the line sub? I don't buy it.

Westphalen is thrilled over the seaweed. Heh, she called the tampon a ceramic suppository. Darwin wants Lucas and Bridger to swim with him. Lucas spends all the second season doing this.

Bridger starts going on about how the computer can't understand feelings. Ok. Whatever. It's bad dialog. He schmaltzed about feelings for about thirty seconds.

Oh! Sciencebump! Ballard is talking about discovering black smokers.

And now it's over. Ok. It wasn't bad exactly. It's a fairly standard scifi plot. It just wasn't that great either. There seemed to be a lot of filler. The scienguest is all over the place. He's mad that he's being delayed. He will accept no compromises. Then he's tired and wants a nap. Then he's mad again. Then he has a little understanding. Then he's mad again. I think it would have went better if he hadn't been chewing so much scenery early on.

The regular cast are doing perfectly well, but the dialog did clunk along a lot. Hitchcock still doesn't have a personality.